Marriage and Family
In a Christian perspective, marriage is made possible by adhering to God’s Law. It is not merely a union between a man and a woman, but also a union with God. The matrimonial relationship serves as our only remaining connection to the paradise of the Garden of Eden, where God united man and woman, as depicted in Genesis 2:18.
The Christian community holds marriage in the highest esteem. The family unit is established to preserve and transmit God’s divine order from one generation to another. Within a biblically compliant marriage, a man and woman can attain their full potential in the presence of God.
Marriage and family serve as symbolic representations of the profound love between Christ and His Church. See Ephesians 5:25. As Christians, our families embody the wisdom and gentleness of Jesus' command: order, devotion, love, fidelity, and sacrifice. See Ephesians 5:22-23. Marriage should represent the coming of the Kingdom of God, reflecting obedience, unity, and mutual confidence, which characterize the millennial Kingdom of God. We cease to be just physical members relying on or extending each other's well-being as Christian family members. This includes both husband and wife, as each of them has become a fellow heir of eternal life. See 1 Peter 3:7 Christian marriage promotes the perfecting of the soul.
The preservation of familial bonds holds utmost significance in the divine order. See 1 Peter 3:7 and Psalms 127:3-5. Sadly, not all marriages are shaped by the divine order of God. Members of a family become motivated to pursue their own interests, which leads to a self-centered will of the flesh.
In certain circumstances, divorce may become an unavoidable outcome. The contemporary legal landscape, characterized by “no-fault divorce,” eliminates the requirement for individuals to assume sole responsibility for the dissolution of a marital union. It is important to acknowledge that divorce is inherently associated with a range of emotional and psychological challenges, including pain, tragedy, and neuroses. These consequences extend not only to the spouses themselves but also to the children of a marriage, who may be subjected to their own emotional distress.
Reportedly, “In the United States, 24 million children (34% of all U.S. children) live in homes where the father does not reside with them. Today, only about 50% of children will spend their entire childhood in an intact family.
Today’s Christian families think and act just like non-believers on everything from parenting priorities to moral standards. Our current generation are unlearned and untaught in the ways of the order of God. Any marriage that does not accurately reflect and portray the supreme love of Christ for the church, is out of biblical order. The family belongs to God. God determined how it should be structured. He designed the way for it to operate. If we follow His plan, our families will be blessed. See Psalm 24:1
The Order of God is very simplistic and easy to recognize. Reading from the King James bible in which Paul writes,But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. See 1 Corinthians 11:3
The family unit is held together by three major components: Christ, the husband and the wife. Christ’s role is to be Lord. He is God’s Son and will always be God’s mediator and the Lord of every household. Through Christ we reach God and God’s sovereignty.
The husband is the next ingredient in the formula for a godly marriage. A husband must represent Christ. As Jesus loved His church, so should a husband's relationship with his wife. See Ephesians 5:25. God has given the responsibilities of biblical leadership to the wife and family. Today's society promotes equality and gender-neutral roles, which degrades the diversity of roles and responsibilities performed by men and women. See 1 Corinthians 11:3-4; Ephesians 5:22-25. As a biblical leader, a husband must have the characteristics to lead. Characteristics can be taught and learned through the leadership of Christ.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong. Let all your things be done with charity.
There are four characteristics Paul the Apostle gives men as guidelines to use as character builders.
“Watch ye” As a watchman of the gates, be alert to both physical and spiritual dangers that would come against the family and home. Having God-given wisdom and steadfast prayer, a husband should be able to lead his family effectively. The husband protects the family from spiritual, emotional and physical dangers and threats.
“Stand fast in the faith” As a husband and father, demonstrating faithfulness to God and the Church is a duty. His confidence should be spoken of actively, and his assurance of faith given to his wife and children. Faith gives hope, and unfeigned hope inspires courage, and can be used as an example of the heavenly things to come in Christ Jesus.
"Sit like men, be strong" A man of God must muster moral strength by standing up to the truth and teachings of God by living in righteousness based on what he has learned. The husband lives with inner strength proclaiming endurance and victory through trials, hardships and stress related circumstances. A husband and father must be a bulwark against Satan.
“Let all things be done with charity” Agape love is at the heart of every action taken by a husband and man of God. The previous qualities are of little good if not tempered with charity. If a man leans upon his own understanding, his alertness can turn into judge mentalism, his faith into a attitude of superiority, and his strength into brutality.
The husband’s greatest example for his wife and family is his life in Christ and his relationship with the church. See Ephesians 55:24-25. Dwelling in harmony with a wife is “according to knowledge”. Every relationship is based on consideration, contemplation and meditation. A husband must honor his wife and put family interests above his own self-concern. The husband's love should be self-sacrificing and morally pure. See Ephesians 5:28. He must be able to acknowledge others' mistakes and have the ability to admit to his own mistakes, accepting and asking forgiveness when and where needed. See Colossians 3:19. He must provide for his family’s physical, moral and spiritual needs.
As a father, the husband must teach his family the moral precepts of God’s law. See Deuteronomy 6:7. This is the duty of the father, and should not be regulated by others. Any husband or father who fails to live up to these standards will find that God is not answering his prayers in the greatest ways possible. The father and husband must be able to negotiate, compromise and be subject to each family member’s agenda according to God’s law of righteousness.
The wife has a unique and different role to fulfill in a family. God created the woman to have sensitivity and a certain careful watching of the husband and family, as the church does for ministers and children of God. A godly wife and woman is expected to be caring, humble, modest and giving. God created women with qualities that he expects from the church.
A godly marriage is based on the relationship between Christ and the church. The wife, like the church, must have a willing and contrite spirit in submission to her husband, as the Church is in submission to the Lord. A wife’s submission to her husband may be the greatest godly attribute for a wife as a servant of God. See Ephesians 5:22.
Submission is not just for the wife to practice. Understanding the rule of submission is essential for a man and a woman. The purpose of submission is not to satisfy the gratification of man's dominance. Submission is also man’s duty to submit to Christ. See Ephesians 5:21. A husband must come under the influence and authority of Christ. Christ willingly laid down his life for the church; a husband must be willing to lay down his life for his wife and family’s sake. The wife must be willing to lay down her life or submit to the leading of Christ through her husband. Her husband is to be recognized as leader and protector of the entire family. She must become the husband’s helpmate, sharing equally the good times and the bad time in the world and in the church. Just as Christ is in submission to God, man is in submission to Christ. In order for the family to succeed, the husband needs to be a determined leader. It is the woman’s calling from God through submission to help determine the family’s success in God.
The wife’s role as a mother is particularly difficult, as well as rewarding. The mother is fundamentally the first example for children to emulate in behavior. Typically, the husband provides food, clothing and shelter for the family. Society has changed the role of the mother, from a household practitioner geared to the rearing of children and keeper of the home, to a co-provider.
Today, wives and mothers are economically bound to hold a job, providing for family needs. However, the duties and expectations of motherhood have not changed. The shared responsibility of parenting, shaping and impressing upon her children the duty of honor, honesty, love and loyalty to God and mankind is a constant duty. She is to be the emotional, caring, faithful person of love that every child and husband can rely upon in times of sorrow and joy. See Ezekiel16:44. A mother and wife must be able to negotiate, compromise and be subject to each family member’s agenda according to God’s law of righteousness. A wife and mother should be a Christian first and foremost.
Children of a godly marriage need to be reared in the ways of the Lord in order to resist the Devil and the world with its lusts. As a child grows from total dependence upon their father and mother to independence, they are in need of proper behavior and knowledge to be provided by their parents. Children should be taught to negotiate, compromise and be subject to each family member’s agenda according to God’s law of righteousness.
Children will face the aggressiveness and dominion of sin. They will need Christ as their Savior very early in life. With the words of God, we have the ability to make choices and make decisions. See 2 Peter 1:10, 1 Thessalonians 1:9 Christian morality builds the character of Christ into a child’s life and spirit.
The character of a child must be affected and molded to assure a godly life. Godly characteristics to shape a child are:
Commitment to God. Commitment requires the full persuasion, emotionally and with immanent volition of the mind, to a particular course of action. See Romans 8:38-39. Emotional commitment is just as pivotal as the will to commit. See Matthew 12:35. If a child cannot commit to God’s will, how can they submit themselves to marriage or parenthood? See Proverbs 16:3
Purpose in God. Solomon described life without purpose, in Ecclesiastes 12:8
Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher; all is vanity. A child without a godly purpose will look to the world for comfort and direction. Children need to understand that their purpose is to deal with God's adversary, the Devil, and to complete God's overall purpose for mankind. See Romans 8:28, Philippians 2:13-25
Living a moral and upright life before God. If a child wants to rise above morality, he or she must learn the correct methods. Boundaries must be known and set regarding sex, pornography, drugs, and their chosen lifestyle. Morality is living according to God's will. Immorality is chaos. God is order and Satan is chaos. Children must learn to love and practice Godly order. See 2 Timothy 2:15, Proverbs 22:6
Availability. Willingness translated into availability is one of the greatest talents any person can acquire. Children who are willing and obedient will prosper. Isaiah 1:19. Children who become unavailable and self-centered risk their lives by becoming internalized, to their own self justification. Their behavior leads to isolation and self defeat. Internalization can lead to addiction and self-absorption of the flesh. See Galatians 5:18-21.
Expendability. To practice selflessness, children must put God and His work above their own desires. Parents must teach their children to put Christ and His followers first, above the children’s own comforts and wants. Even our Lord and Savior put God’s will above his own. See Luke 22:42
Dependability. Honesty, promptness and being on time are the components for dependability. Stewardship has its basic roots in dependability. A child must be taught dependability and the importance of good stewardship. See Titus 1:7-9
Cooperation. God blesses cooperation. To cooperate a child must learn to accept others, their direction, and their opinions. Children must accept leadership and accept expectations of others. A church is made up of many members having authority over children. See Romans 12:3-5; 1 Corinthians 12:18-27. Cooperation is becoming united in Christ; this is our children’s calling, as well as our own. See Ephesians 4:3-6.
Every family, Christian or non-christian, will face problems which can threaten or even destroy them. Jesus stated that, in most cases (see next paragraph), divorce is not an answer to irreconcilable differences nor is it a breakdown in the marriage relationship, or just because the couple fell out of love. Divorce is valid when there has been sexual immorality. Marriages can survive even the calamity of infidelity, but only through commitment and a similar change of heart by both husband and wife, through the mercy of God.
Biblically, abuse can be grounds for a legal divorce. See Exodus 21:26-27. In a Christian home, even abuse can be overcome by the hand of God. Through the word of God, coupled with the power of the Holy Ghost, abuse can be overcome by husband or wife. By building trust through the living word of God, a family can be restored to a loving and fulfilling family unit.
Marriage is a promise made to God. See Matthew 19:6. Divorce should never be the first option taken by a couple to fix a marital problem. Divorce and separation never fix a problem. Divorce only ends the marriage.
When a troubled couple decides to accept a Christian counselor to intervene and help salvage their marriage, the first fact to be examined is the possibility of divorce. Are there biblical improprieties that allow divorce? If no biblical improprieties are found, what are their problems and circumstances? In either case, is the couple willing to seek God to improve their marriage? The divine love of God can grow in any marriage, empowering love among the most troubled couples.
There is no marriage so damaged or troubled that it can't be mended by the power of God. The Holy Spirit can change men's and women’s spirits in the darkest of times. All things are possible with God. See Matthew 19:26; Hebrews 4:11-13
Positive changes in a marriage will come through communication. Good communication can never be overstated in the stability of a marriage. There is proper communication, faulty communication, lack of communication and miscommunication. Communication requires two parts: sending communication (speaking) and receiving communication (listening). Both must exist for successful communication.
There are three simple communication principles that will help couples who may lack skills for exchanging messages:
Be clear. Easily understood messages are much more desirable than hints and assumptions of the messenger. Honest and direct communication should be clear and concise.
Expressed feelings. Husbands and wives can be guarded and/or oblivious to each others feelings or emotions. Frustration often then occurs, leading to an unhealthy marital relationship. Communication includes becoming vulnerable and intimate in thoughts and feelings. It is important to share and express each others feelings in order to understand each other’s emotional perspective.
Being Fair. The practice of being legitimate and just, is the common ground from which to start fair communication. Unfair techniques and practices of conversation to get the upper hand, and confuse or divert the other from the real problem being encountered, is not honest. Using unfair techniques is a sin. The practice of guile or subtlety is incorrigible. Fair and honest communication is a requirement of God.
There are many unfair or improper techniques that couples practice that affect their marriage. During an intervention, the same tactics may be applied by either party. By using these tactics, the matter will be diverted to a different subject or an emotional confrontation will result. These techniques are intentionally used to change, divert and deflect an undesirable conclusion. There are many techniques that counsellors should recognize and control while in counseling. Below are several techniques to be aware of:
Reacting to unreasonable requests that were not made by others: the person responding to an unreasonable request assumes an ulterior motive.
Jumping to conclusions: the person requesting help is denied the help and assumes the denial is a punishment.
Switching subjects and counterattacks: the person makes a request and the responder reacts as if attacked, switches the request entirely and launches a counterattack.
Stage a multi-pronged attack: the person’s request is made, and the responder then attacks with multi-faceted examples of the requester’s blunders or mistakes.
Carrying a scale of equality: each party judges the other by measurement of actions or deeds accomplished by themselves or others.
Using logic to avoid emotion: using logic as a tool to discourage another from a conclusion or questionable matter.
Going nuclear: the responder uses emotion as a tool to defer or deflect a reasonable request.
Misplacing blame: the requester is mad, and the responder reacts negatively to others.
Messages sent are only part of communication. There is the receiving part which is the completion of effective communication. The receiving part is just as critical as the sending part. Receiving is more than just listening. Without a reply, there is no communication. There are four principles about interpreting messages:
Listening : The listener should pay attention to the speaker, actually hearing and understanding what the speaker is saying.
Sensitivity: Feelings should be responded to in an appropriate manner. Sharing and support may be more healing than a quick fix to a problem. Having empathy for one another’s shared feelings can mend a broken heart.
Acceptance: Acknowledging that there is a problem is paramount to the process of healing. Rejection, and criticism are tactics that wound a spirit and cause alienation or a turning away of the attacked person. The focus must be on the solution for a problem, instead of winning the argument.
Forgiveness; Mercy given to those who have offended, angered, distressed, and displeased another, is necessary for reconciliation. The wounded party or parties have to forgive each other in order for reconciliation to succeed.
In order for true reconciliation to occur, forgiveness must be accompanied by the creation of trust. Building trust between injured parties takes time, and is not immediately repaired. Trust includes faith, which is given over time by proving one another’s intentions and agendas. The bonding together of two broken hearts is a mutually agreed upon work of charity, and is a requirement for the successful mending of a shattered relationship.
Most marriages are blessed with a child as a gift from God. See Psalms 127:3-5, Psalms 122:13-14. God views children as sacred and ceremonially set apart for rearing in God’s ways. Parents are to cherish and train their children, through discipline and instruction, calling the child’s attention to the Lord. See Proverbs 17:6. A parent should teach, discipline and love their children. It is a responsibility given by God to parents, which parents are required to fulfill. Parents that do not teach, discipline or love their children properly are a failure, not only to God and to themselves, but to their children as well.
The following three points should be applied in order for a family to properly function in the ways of the Lord:
Education: The child’s main example for learning comes from the child's parents. A parent naturally teaches by example. See Proverbs 22:6. Hardly any effort is needed to teach a child to eat; a parents only needs to eat in sight of a child, and the child will emulate the parents actions. Emulation of parents should be an example of the parents emulating the teachings of Christ. Placing the teachings of Christ foremost in the parents life will place the proper value for Christ within the child’s mind and heart. See Deuteronomy 6:7. Teaching age appropriate lessons and activities geared to the active love and worship of Christ, is the effective way to rear a child. Work ethics, sacrifice, honor, treatment of others and living for God are taught by example, as well as by the word of God. Children develop correct thinking patterns and behavior by example, and are taught thought processes by parents before sending them into another’s care. Teaching a child is a commandment from God. See Deuteronomy 6:4-7 Every moment of every day spent with a child is a teaching moment. Parents are the most important teachers in a child’s life.
Discipline. Parents are required by God to teach accountability, holding their children accountable for the actions the child has committed. See Deuteronomy 6:6-7. Limits and rules are basic truths for servitude and love toward God. In order to become a disciple, a child must learn discipline. See Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 29:17. Governingat home teaches social and godly governance to a child who will become an adult. The word “NO” plays a pivotal role in raising a child. “NO” means “NO” in every language. A parent cannot convey mixed signals to a child when told “NO”. Parents should never give mixed disciplinary consequences for disobedience by a child. When a parent gives into a child’s inappropriate behavior, they enable the child to create a sinful life of chaos instead of a life of godly order. See Proverbs 29:15. True love is NOT unconditional. True love IS conditional. The lesson of discipline is learning self-discipline.
Love: God is love! Love is what brought Jesus to this world to save the souls of men. See John3:26. Lovee binds a family together. Love binds faith and hope in harmony. See 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Love should be what brings a couple to each other; the love of God is what keeps a family united. Godly parenting includes the love of God. A couple needs love to stay together and a child needs love to become a lover of God. Love demands attention. Man and woman bond over attention, and it keeps their love alive. Attention is also what keeps the relationship between parents and their children strong. It is the distance between parents and children that separates the love they have for one another. See Colossians 3:12-14. Loving memories are created by sharing events and communication. Parents should learn that bad behavior usually starts from inattention. A happy Christian based family is known by the their love of God that is shown between parents and the children.
In Christian counseling, prayer should be the primary and last example for those who are being counseled. SeeEphesians 6:18 Prayer can mend the most broken marriage. Prayer not only speaks to God, it can open dialogue between husband, wife and children. Faith, hope, and charity, as well as living lives focused on Christ, are the concerns and needs of the family, as well as others. Prayer can soften the hardest spirits and heal the most damaged souls. Our lives can be enhanced by prayer, which is a tool and fundamental commandment for interpersonal communication and supplication. If we could do but one influential thing for those being counseled to change their lives, it would be to teach them to pray continually.
In conclusion, recognition of biblical godly tools and faithful prayer are the answer to those seeking help for mental, marital and family problems. See Philippians 4:8-9. Christian counseling should be founded upon the word of God and the spiritual power of the Holy Ghost. God has provided the answers to any crisis the world has to offer through obedience to His word and faith in His Son. Counselors who are Christians understand God's Word and His principles for surviving in this sinful world. See 2 Timothy 3:16-17.
Remember, as a Christian counselor, you can explain biblical principles and teach a life for Christ, but you can’t understand those lessons or examples for them. Those who are being counselled should accept change with a willing heart. Change comes about only by faith in Christ and prayer.
Prepared by Bro. Charles Cohenour Jr
